Rob Zombie's Halloween

Rob Zombie's remake of the 1978 classic "Halloween" is a scant four days away so I began to ask myself, when is a remake really worth it?

Lately, Hollywood seems to have run out of ideas, remaking perfect good movies with reckless abandon, and hoping that nobody notices. I'm not talking about "Americanized" movies, that's an entirely different discussion (see: The Ring, 12 Monkeys, Vanilla Sky, True Lies), I'm talking about movies that are already in English. It sometimes seems as though if things are recycled every thirty years, nobody notices. I'm talking about The Longest Yard, The Haunting, The Stepford Wives, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Vanishing, Psycho... on and on and on. All of these remade from classics! When there is nothing at all wrong with an original, does the desire for cold, hard cash outweigh common sense? Well, in short, yes.

There are a few remakes that are decent, they aren't terrible but they aren't exactly groundbreaking. The remake of Gone in Sixty Seconds comes to mind... it put in Angelina Jolie and Nicolas Cage... but it completely got rid of the campy 70's feel! Some remakes lose sight of what made the originals really worth it: campy feeling. Tobe Hooper's original Texas Chainsaw Massacre is a prime example of this. There was a tight budget, nobody actors and a bucket of cow guts. That was the movie. It was so campy, so surreal that it was instantly a masterpiece of the horror world. The remake has Gunnery Sergeant Hartman and the one chick from 7th Heaven that's really hot. I know it's Jessica Biel, but that's the problem... I know who she is. I even read today that they're remaking The Day the Earth Stood Still with Keanu Reeves. Why, why, why?

Back to the original question of "why remakes?" There are two reasons I can think of to make a remake from something considered a classic: bigger budget and "better' special effects. A remake, if you think about it, has a built in audience. There are a certain amount of people out there that have this particular movie as their favorite movie. They're going to come see your remake no matter what... and probably hate it. The remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre cost $10 million (US) to make... the original? $82,000 (US). Twelve times the budget, one twelfth the fun. Sure, the special effects were nifty, I love R. Lee Emory and all, but it just didn't quite fit together (yes I'm aware it made a crapload of money). It lacked schlock! And don't even get me started on the remake of Psycho. And that new take on Dune. Bleah.

So we know what makes a remake fail... but what makes a remake work? Different interpretation of the source material. Look at the remake of Dawn of the Dead. The original is one of my favorite movies... a critique on consumerism, materialism and the hive mentality of America. Oh yeah, and freakin' zombies eating people's faces off. More so the zombies, but the other stuff is there. Zack Snyder took a classic threat, the slow, shambling zombie and spiced them up: they ran. So now something that wanted to bite your face off could give Carl Lewis a run for his money (pun intended). He also switched the story around a bit, added some characters, strengthened up the female lead, added some nudity, the bus from hell and a bimbo with a dog. Very nice. It was different enough from the original to stand on its own, it didn't insult the original fanbase and was an enjoyable film.

Moving back in the direction of this entry's title, let's take a look first at Rob Zombie's previous films, starting with House of 1000 Corpses. The film immediately reminded me of most of the 70's B horror films. Kind of campy, kind of weird, lots of fun. It is quite apparent that it was a sort of remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre... but... different. It has the "fish out of water" foursome, the creepy house and a cracked out family that perpetrates the whole mess. Pepper in a sheriff on a mission (Dennis Hopper from Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 2 come to mind), a dad looking for his daughter and a whole mess of Captain Spaulding and you have one hodge-podge of insanity. Even so: it works. It may have reminiscent elements of those movies but it stands very strongly on its own. Rob Zombie has stated his love for the 70's horror films and it shows in this film. It had everything I wanted to see in it... though I would have liked some more Dr. Satan scenes... what a twisted concept. A remake in a way, but more so an homage... and it worked by putting his own demented twists on the genre conventions. The Devil's Rejects was also awesome, but let's get moving towards Halloween.

This time as opposed to an homage, Rob Zombie is making a remake. The original Halloween was a horror masterpiece, combining elements of suspense, terror and jumpy scares. Overall a very fun movie with nothing wrong with it (aside from the trees being awfully green of Halloween). Zombie has some big shoes to fill for this film. So rather than trying to rehash the same material and end of disappointing fans, what does he do? He reinvents the material.

A good move on his part. From what I've gathered from interviews, this film will be a re-imaging of the Michael Myers character. It will fill in the gaps of what was missing in the fifteen years that Myers was in the institution, the story will be its own. Rob Zombie even went so far as to contact John Carpenter to ask if it was okay for him to remake the film, and Carpenter's reply was for him to "make it his own," and thankfully it sounds as if Zombie has done just that.

If this were a straight remake it would have no reason to exist aside from the conventions that modern movie making methods would convey... aside from that it would be another forgotten remake, echoing questions of "why" in posts such as this. But to see a different aspect of things... to have things answered that the previous film left open... that will draw in even the diehards such as myself. This is all speculation of course being that I haven't seen the film yet, but I have a good feeling about it. Rob Zombie cares about the material and isn't in it to make a buck but rather for the artistic merit of it all. Kind of cliche sounding, I know, but I'm just hoping for the best for Friday. See you at the movies!

-Michael

Cenobites: Friend, Foe or Other?

Recently I got into watching the Hellraiser series of movies. I've gotten up to Hellraiser: Bloodlines when I noticed that the entire dynamic of the movies had changed and they had generated into standard horror schlock.

The opening scene has a man with the dirtiest fingernails on the planet buying a small puzzle box in what looks like the Middle East. Cut to clean fingernails and that man is sitting surrounded by candles trying to open said puzzle box. When he finally does so chains fly out, ripping apart his flesh. Then the Cenobites come. They're hideously deformed in unique ways and after completely ripping the man apart, one with pins sticking out of his head picks up the box and closes it, leaving the room as if nothing had happened.

Shortly thereafter a man and a very… handsome woman come to the house and decide to move in. Larry and his wife Julia look around the place and Larry comments that Frank, the guy that was ripped apart, probably used it as a hideout for awhile and then took off for parts unknown. I don’t want to provide an extended synopsis for the film, but suffice to say, some spilled blood brings Frank back to life but Frank has to feed off of blood to regenerate his body. He enlists the help of Julia, who is madly in lust with Frank after they had a tryst shortly before her wedding to Larry so she lures men back to the house for him to feed.

Kirsty, Larry’s daughter stumbles on Frank feeding one day, freaks out, takes the puzzle box and ends up in the hospital. There she opens the box, almost gets ripped apart, goes back to help her father, finds out Frank has stolen his skin, so on and so forth. You know, a typical Thursday.

Anyway, the first Hellraiser is, to me at least, an almost perfect horror film. The protagonists, Kirsty and Julia, were weak and had to be pushed and coerced into having any action. The antagonist, Frank, was egomaniacally delicious. This is how it should be in any horror film... the stronger the antagonist the more they eventually bring out in the protagonist.

In the case of Hellraiser, Kirsty learned to be strong and fight back when she had to, to protect the ones she loved. Julia on the other hand learned that blind trust doesn't always work and succumbing to lust isn't the best way to drive your motivations. Frank does not change and that's what makes him powerful. He knows what he wants, how he wants it and he'll do whatever he can to make it so. There is something, however, that Frank fears: The Cenobites.

Now who are the Cenobites exactly?

In the film, they are the agents of hell. Their task is to show those who open the box that pain is indistinguishable from pleasure before ripping them apart and taking them to hell. The thing that is different about them than other supernatural villains is that they only come to those who open the box. They aren’t out to get anyone in particular, they don’t kill at random and they have the power to reason. This is a far cry from say, Jason Voorhees, who kills anyone that moseys by Crystal Lake.

Frank opened the box so they took care of Frank. Fair enough. Kirsty, after stealing the box from Frank, works it open and the Cenobites appear. Kirsty had no idea it would summon creatures such as that, but the lead Cenobite (later named Pinhead) told her flat out, “You opened the box, we came.” Luckily though, Kirsty was able to strike a deal with them that she would show them to Frank in exchange for them sparing her, and they accepted.

Unfortunately for Kirsty, Frank had stolen her father’s skin and tricked her into thinking that the pile of the guts on the floor were the remains of Frank, not Larry. When the Cenobites came to collect they asked for, “the man who did this” and Kirsty, thinking she had to protect her father, reneged on the deal. This is where things went wrong for poor Kirsty Cotton.

Had she known that it was Frank and not her father, she would have been done with the deal and left alone, but unfortunately the Cenobites don’t like deal breakers so naturally after they took care of Frank they had to take care of Kirsty. As much as I would have liked to see her with her skull ripped she was able to get the box and send the Cenobites back to hell with Frank and Julia in tow.

Flash forward to Hellraiser 2: Hellbound. Kirsty is in a mental hospital trying to explain what happened when Dr. Channard, obsessed with the puzzle box unwittingly releases Julia from hell. Julia and Dr. Channard then have a girl obsessed with puzzles work open the box for them (I assume Julia explained the whole chain ripping incident with Frank) from a safe distance. Kirsty shows up just as the box is being opened so… that’s how that goes. When the Cenobites arrive they are about to maim poor puzzle girl with Pinhead tells them, “It is not hands that summon us, it is desire” and so puzzle girl is left alone… for now.

As far as agents from hell go, they seem to be pretty bound by a set of rules, and that is something one has to appreciate. If the Cenobites just killed at random the movie wouldn’t be as interesting, nor the characters as intriguing. They only come to those seeking them and that, to me, is a fantastic addition to the films. The Cenobites are sought as friends by hedonists, feared as foes once they appear, but they fall decidedly into the other category. If you didn’t open the box, you’re in the clear, but once you find them… you’re in for it.

Unfortunately the other Hellraiser movies kind of toss this concept out the window, and I don’t know what the hell was going on in Bloodlines. Well, I know WHAT was happening… I just didn’t care. So if you haven’t seen the Hellraiser movies they’re worth checking out… and if you’re really weird you can buy a puzzle box off of Amazon. Click here to see. Don't say you weren't warned.

The Top 9.5 Homonym Screwups I Hate (in no particular order) or Homonyms Are Not Your Friend: How I Learned to Stop Sounding Like an Idiot

Lately while reading various message boards, websites, blogs, e-mails, news articles and whatever else I've noticed that people have completely forgotten about homonyms. What is a homonym you may ask?

Homonym (n.) - A word the same as another in sound but different in spelling and meaning

Simple enough, know? Their are a lot of these peppered throughout the English language and while speaking ewe may be able to pull it off, when using the written medium mistakes are pretty apparent. Since it seems that with text messaging, e-mails and other devices we're knot going two have too talk two each other at all in a few years you'd think that we'd place a high priority on making sure we right as clearly as possible. This, unfortunately, is knot the case.

Eye can say from firsthand experience that homonyms are completely ignored in schools these days. Eye believe there is a brief mention of them in second grade and then for the other ten years children are allowed to slide. Go look at a myspace/facebook page and see how many mistakes ewe can spot, it's appalling. What's more appalling though is people that should no better, namely reporters for newspapers and so called "professionals" blunder into the same sort of mistakes... then it becomes common usage! Common usage does not make something correct, it just makes more and more people sound uneducated to those that no better.


Anyway, instead of sitting here spouting how people should take the time to learn how to right and all that bitching and moaning I thought I'd go the extra mile and point out a few of the most common mistakes. This list is all from personal experience in the last couple of days so it is by know means complete, but bye golly, its a step in the right direction.

1. Loose/Lose - I've already covered this in great detail in my screenwriting blog, you can read it HERE

2. Right/Write - People have lately been interchanging the two, presumably while they write. I hope I don't have to explain the meaning of the words, so instead I'll try to help you remember the difference. Using an "R" may be right but it won't help you when you try to write. There, that's kind of clever. Sort of. I mean, it's easy to write one of those that makes sense on paper, but I'm going for more of the "say out loud" route, because what the hell would it matter if you don't know the difference anyway. There is also "rite" meaning a ritual or ceremony, but honestly no one I know says anything like that unless they're describing something having to do with voodoo, so we'll just leave that one out. Moving on...

Remember: Using an "R" may be right but it won't help you write!

3. Accept/Except - I think the problems with these two is that people don't know the difference. Accept is to receive, except means other than (a contrary). This is an easy one to do out loud and it provides clarification of meaning as well. I would sleep with my ex again except they had a sex change. By clearing up half of the problem the rest should fall into place, ex... except... things are falling into place. When except doesn't make sense, use accept! I accept your exception! Also, you could still sleep with your ex, though it'd be way different. But if you're a woman... and you were dating a really feminine man... and uh... they had a lot of money for plastic surgery... and then uh... well never mind. Forget I said anything.

Remember: I would sleep with my ex again except they had a sex change

4. Affect/Effect - A lot of people have trouble with this one. To affect is to have an influence on whereas effect is the result. You can affect the effects but not the other way around. The best way to remember this one is to use another word that it's kind of hard to screw the spelling up for. "My affliction is affecting my effects." Affliction being a problem (disease... on fire... you know) that can affect the things you do, your effects. The "aff" sound in affliction will be your giveaway. Can't make it much clearer than that.

Remember: My affliction is affecting my effects.

5. Illicit/Elicit - This one doesn't come up very often but when it does, it's generally screwed up. I think the main problem is that people don't know that the word elicit exists so they just throw illicit in its place. Illicit means illegal, that's easy enough to remember, elicit means to bring about, or make happen. Something illicit can elicit something, but not the other way around. "The illicit eclair elicited my gut." I think that the e of eclair will help one to remember the e of elicit. In this case it may just be easier to use a few more words and say "That eclair I stole made me fat" ... but it's your prerogative.

Remember: The illicit eclair elicited my gut

6. Hole/Whole - This is another one that people seem to forget that you can throw a silent "w" in front of hole and make it mean something completely different. Hole seems to be used exclusively so it's about time that was fixed. The easiest way to remember this is "You can have a whole hole but not half a hole" but that doesn't help if we're going the say-out-loud route. So, "The whole whale had a hole in his blowhole." Whale helping to remember that sneaky "w" and blowhole for hole. Easy as that. Though it is stupid. I, for one, wouldn't want half a whale.

Remember: The whole whale had a hole in his blowhole.

7. No/Know - I chalk this problem up to extreme laziness. The simple reply of "i no" is just easier to type out so I won't really hold this against too many people. I'm lazy too, dammit. Therefore I'm going to come up with a half-assed way to remember this that won't help anyway. "The knight knows." If you don't know there's a "k" on knight then you're screwed. Ha-ha.

Remember: The knights knows (in theory)

8. Piece/Peace - This is another one that seems to slip through the cracks. It's clear what the differences between the words are, it's just a matter of when to use what. "You can have a piece of pie when there is peace." Simple and straightforward, pie/piece is easy enough to remember and you can't have a peace of pie. So, you better get working on that global community thing if you want some pie.

Remember: You can have a piece of pie when there is peace

9. It's/Its - An apostrophe is used when something is possessive, which is what causes the problem here... people forget that it also denotes a contraction. A contraction is the mashing together of two words for no apparent reason, in this case it's means it is. Its is the possessive term, just like hers and his. "It apostrophe s means it is." There's really no way of making that much clearer than that, so good luck.

Remember: It apostrophe s means it is.

10. Principal/Principle - Ahh screw it. Just remember the other ones and you'll be better. Go learn something your damn self! It's a matter of principle! People expecting me to do all the work for you... buncha *mumble* *mumble*

-Michael

Diary of the Dead

The master of all things zombie George A. Romero is coming out with a new movie! Yay! This picture is of the cast from his upcoming movie Diary of the Dead (I pilfered it from Firstlook.net) and I must say the premise sounds promising.

A group of young filmmakers are out filming their own B-horror film when they come across some zombies, havoc ensues.

What I like about this premise is that it's not a continuation of Land of the Dead but goes back to the time frame of the original Night of the Living Dead. Here's the fun thing, in my opinion, about zombie films. Everyone is experiencing the same thing only in their own individual way. There are a million stories that can be visited from the very first night of the zombie apocalypse, and this is one of them.

I'd like to see more films with this premise, you could take anyone in any position and throw them into the mix with the unstoppable multitude of the zombie hoard. Zombies, individually, are not scary, but if you run into a couple hundred of them, there's only so much you can do. This is why I love the genre. Supernatural killers such as Freddy and Jason can only do so much, but with an ever expanding amount of zombies to deal with the tide always goes in their favor.

I'm also glad this isn't going past the ill-conceived Land of the Dead. I don't really care for the idea of zombie retaining their humanity and learning to do things, "evolving" in a sense (I used the "" since evolution is of course something that takes place over many generations by bringing out favorable traits that benefit an organism but since zombies aren't exactly reproducing (except for Braindead but that's something different as well) but for the sake of argument...). Using weapons was a little over the top. I like my zombies the way I like my pets: mindless killing machines.

So, we shall see what happens. This movie is slated to premier at the Toronto Film Festival and unfortunately it has not set release yet, but when it does, I'll be there. With bells on. And brraaiinnnssss (that's from Return of the Living Dead, people have the idea that the phrase originated from a zombie movie, which it did, but not a traditional zombie canon film. These zombies can run, talk, use equipment, etc. and in that film world, Night of the Living Dead was a movie that was based off an incident that happened in their world which was altered as to cover up the truth!)... more updates to come. In theory.

-Michael

Professional Celebrity Impregnator

While going through my daily business and the continual barrage of celebrity gossip that passes itself off as news, I saw that Lindsay Lohan may be pregnant. I don't know why this is so important for me to know or why people are interested... it's easy to get someone pregnant, in fact, I try to practice doing so as often as possible.

If anyone hasn't noticed, they have entire stores devoted to pregnant women so one in particular getting knocked up is important... why?

Because she's famous!

Duh. Normal people doing anything doesn't matter unless they do something extraordinarily stupid, then people get interested... but Paris Hilton can't take a dump without people wanting to know its size, consistency and her wiping method. Front to back? Time will tell!

So, in an effort to help out some celebrities that have been a little on the outs lately, I thought I'd offer my services as a celebrity impregnator. Judging by the people that are currently getting celebrities pregnant I figure I'm a step up. I have a college degree, I'm tall, I have no genetic disorders and I'm not a total doofus. Well, I am, but not in public.

If your star is falling, please, contact me today. I'll send you a little bundle of joy packed in some dry ice. Thaw it out, get a turkey baster and next thing you know you'll be on the cover of US Weekly, Star, The Sun and whatever else you want to do! Revel in that baby bump because you'll be landing those interviews and roles in no time.

Laughing boy up there may have done it first, but by gum, I'm going to do it better! Act now, supplies are unlimited! Impregnator is also a fun new word, try to use it in a sentence today!

- Michael

Graduate School: Now or Later?

After graduating from college a lot of people are eager to enter the workforce, only to find that entry level pay is garbage, benefits are few and far between, bosses are a pain and having to wake up early every day is terrible. This is why graduate schools exist in the first place, to keep from entering the real world for as long as possible.

I'm going to be turning twenty-five this year and I'm only sort of looking forward to it. I graduated college a few years ago (then gave Medical School a disastrous try, but that's not a story for today) with my Bachelor's of Science in Biology and then tried to enter the workforce. And tried. And tried. And tried. Needless to say, in the intervening eight months I had plenty of time to catch up on my naps and video games. When I finally DID land a job it was as a lowly technician, putting new and exciting flavors into gum. Green tea gum... Sarsaparilla gum... Ginseng gum... basically they all tasted like crap and I was always feeling sticky.

I then switched over to the fragrance industry, putting new and exciting fragrances into candles. Green tea candles... well really anything new at the Yankee candle store. The Tahitian Flower is actually pretty nice... but basically I smelled weird and always had a headache. Then I found the job I currently work at, which is solving problems customers have with industrial adhesives. It doesn't smell particularly bad but it's kind of a sticky situation. Get it? Adhesives? Sticky?

Anyway, I moved up to the role of a Senior Technician and here I am. I had my interim review recently and, after finding out I'm not completely inept, I asked about what the future holds for someone in my position. It seems that all I have to look forward to in this position in a slight promotion to a Principle (Principal? Principle would make more sense) Technician and that was about it for half a decade. Then, I could possibly move up to the position that Chemical Engineering people start at.

Hey wait a second! I took a lot of chemistry classes. In fact, I took so many that if I wasn't a lazy slacker that thought I was going to be a doctor I could have been a double major, but no, I was too busy sleeping. From what it looks like now, I'm going to be putting six or seven years into a job just to do the job of someone fresh out of college.

It was roughly around the time that this thought churned through the thick fog I call a brain that I decided that maybe going back to school was the way to go. But for what? I find science boring, a maters in the fine arts would land me right back here again... so maybe an MBA is the route to go. Even so, now I have to try to get myself ready for the entrance exams as well as getting into the mindset of sitting in class again. After being out of college for over three years this is kind of a daunting prospect to say to least.

This also got me thinking down a different path... if I had thought ahead and just went for an MBA after leaving med school, I'd be done by now! Instead I wanted (read: had to get) a job and then fell into the complacent lifestyle of looking forward to a paycheck every week thinking that I was bettering my life on a salary that's not even high enough to afford a place (I live in New Jersey... hey! Stop laughing).

Since I'm a little older now and have the wonderful perspective clarifying power of hindsight I can say one thing is for certain:

Don't Stop Going to School

Even if you're getting a little burned out, believe me, it's better than the alternative. I work hard and then I come home in the evening and have no drive to do anything. That's the inherent problem with working, even though you're only putting in eight and a half hours (plus however long for a commute), you get home and just don't want to do anything. It's hard to better yourself with the couch is so comfortable. Then all you have to look forward to is the weekend, where there's not enough time to do anything anyway. You just look forward to your paychecks to pay the bills. Whoopie! No wonder people do drugs.

So for all of you out there, before you become a complacent wanker that looks forward to a promotion ten years down the road, just suck it up and go to graduate school. Once you're done you'll be that much happier for it. Just look at it from my perspective: I'm going to have to juggle school, work, a relationship, my go-nowhere screenwriting career attempt, car payments, student loan payments and a really fashionable haircut. When does the madness end? Instead, I could have had a dur job for a little bit of money and been done with school a year ago. Even if you have to study, forgo sleep, work hard, be miserable... just suck it up and tough it out.

Let me put it to you in even simpler terms: Putting up with a few years of torture is worth making twenty, thirty or even fifty thousand more dollars a year to start.

Sure, it sucks NOW... but when you're vacationing in Europe for a month and not worrying about how you're going to pay the bills, you'll be that much happier you did it. I may be a little behind the curve now, but once I'm done I'll be one of those people, the comfortable, the "not quite happy but okay with their job" and by god, I can even stop shopping in the irregular section because I won't need the discount!

So kids, stay in school. Go to graduate school. Put up with crap now so you won't have to put up with it later. Conversely, you could always just become a chemical engineer... those guys get all the breaks.

-Michael

...yes I know they are Now AND Laters... but I like candy. So shut up.

Resident Evil 5 Trailer

After seeing the trailer for Resident Evil 5 all I can say is... wow. It seems like the folks at Capcom have taken note of the remake of Dawn of the Dead as well as 28 Days Later/28 Weeks Later. Those zombies, if you can call them that anymore, look FAST.

There are weapons flying, people jumping, running around, bouncing off things and it just looks as hectic as can be. Naturally I'm going to have to pre-order this eight months in advance and be a drooling fan boy the day it comes out. The next-gen graphics look phenomenal and it appears to be a sound followup to Resident Evil 4. It's about time we found out what became of Chris Redfield. Also, where's Jill? And Barry! Where's Barry?!

CLICK HERE TO VIEW THE TRAILER

As an aside, Capcom better be working on a sequal to Dead Rising. I loves me some zombies

-Michael

Are My Coworkers My Friends?

Working a normal nine to five has its advantages, surprisingly. For instance, I get paid for being there, which is a novel concept through and through being that up until I started said job I was very, very poor. I also have health insurance, so I'm really looking forward to getting sick. Oh! And a 401k... it makes my paycheck smaller, but, when I'm old I won't have to be on food stamps. Hopefully.

There is, of course, a yang to the aforementioned yin: coworkers. I work at a large, faceless corporation owned by another corporation which is currently reviewing an offer to be bought out by an even bigger corporation , so needless to say there are a lot of people around here. On a daily basis I run into the loud, the socially inept, the creepy, the smelly, the fashion conscious (and unconscious) and everything else you can think of. I mean come on, there are around five thousand people at this facility alone, so naturally it's a good cross section of Americana.

My office is next to a lab, which is part of my department, a portion of my division, that reports to the executive department which in turn is at the whim of the parent company that is still at the beck and call of the conglomerate (whew) has a few other office in very close proximity. These are the people that I see and interact with on a daily basis. The question is though, do I really want to interact with these people beyond anything having to do with work?

My significant other is rather new to the working world and I've noticed they make a rather strong effort to really get friendly with their coworkers. Friendly to the point that I was dragged, against my will, out of a bar to meet them and sit around with them for a few hours. So what did they talk about the entire time? Work. I had nothing to add to their conversations nor did I care to listen to what exactly they were talking about. It was like trying to break into a circle of girls that you don't really know, they speak is pseudo-code referencing things that only they understand, making no effort to explain what they mean. This is grating on the nerves so when the proposition of another evening of the same I politely gave myself botulism and sat out that night.

Coming back around to the point I have yet to make, the previous anecdote begins to answer the question if my coworkers are my friends. Here at work we occasionally talk about non-work related things but on the whole our conversations are mainly based around what we're doing... work. Are my coworkers interesting people? Hell if I know. Did I try to find out more about them? Sure. But the problem remains that all roads lead to work.

"Hey Don, do anything fun this weekend?"
"No, just thought about this report I'm working on"

Needless to say, I stopped asking about what Don does at home. Even though I try to appear as neutral and unattached as possible to these people they sometimes extend of the olive branch of camaraderie and invite me to various events. Maybe going out to a bar, dinner, a movie, a concert. Just whatever flavor of the month these people have.

I tried going to these things a few times but as my prior anecdote showed, all we ever end up talking about is work. Hobbies lead to work. Favorite movies lead to work. As them how you can tell if a melon is fresh, I'm sure they can squeeze work in there somewhere.

I have a confession: I don't like work.

Yes, surprising, I know. So if I don't like work, why would I spend any time outside of work TALKING about work? It's pointless! I spend forty hours a week at that place talking about work, why would I want to do it in my off time? I tried to talk to my boss about giving me comp time if I thought about work at home but unfortunately they didn't go for it. This effort to appear friendly to people and still keep my personal time personal has lead me to create a new relationship category, one that is somewhere above acquaintance but below actual friend:

Conditional Colleague.

They are my work colleagues after all, we have the same profession, we're essentially peers. The conditionality of this collegiate-ship comes in after hours. I'm nice to them, we're all friendly, we're coworkers. Once they ask me to do something outside of work though, a fiendish plan goes immediately into effect.

Let's say I get invited to a bar or concert with them. Of course I'll agree to go, it's only polite. Unless I legitimately have something going on, it's very nice to agree. They'll think I'm nicer for it, my team spirit will get up to the boss and then next thing I know, promotion. In theory. The only catch is that as soon as I agree to do something with them, I start working on the excuse for the day of that will outline why I can't make it.

Sure, there's the traditional "flat tire," "bad clams," or "nuclear holocaust," but people appreciate the effort of an original excuse. My favorite thus far was that my dog tried to eat a bee, got stung, and I had to bring her to the vet for their swollen tongue. It's perfect, you can't really argue with a sick dog. If you're uncreative, car trouble always works. Essentially, the relationship I have with my coworkers is thus:

I will make plans and then cancel at the last minute.

Easy as that. You too can use this method. In no time at all you'll be the friendliest person at the office without actually having to give up any of your free time to people you already see for forty plus hours a week. If you legitimately want to be friends with a person by all means actually do what you say you're going to do, but if you're like me, and just want the appearance of friendliness, this tried and true method is your best bet.

Politeness without conviction, it's the American way!

-Michael