While going through my daily business and the continual barrage of celebrity gossip that passes itself off as news, I saw that Lindsay Lohan may be pregnant. I don't know why this is so important for me to know or why people are interested... it's easy to get someone pregnant, in fact, I try to practice doing so as often as possible.
If anyone hasn't noticed, they have entire stores devoted to pregnant women so one in particular getting knocked up is important... why?
Because she's famous!
Duh. Normal people doing anything doesn't matter unless they do something extraordinarily stupid, then people get interested... but Paris Hilton can't take a dump without people wanting to know its size, consistency and her wiping method. Front to back? Time will tell!
So, in an effort to help out some celebrities that have been a little on the outs lately, I thought I'd offer my services as a celebrity impregnator. Judging by the people that are currently getting celebrities pregnant I figure I'm a step up. I have a college degree, I'm tall, I have no genetic disorders and I'm not a total doofus. Well, I am, but not in public.
If your star is falling, please, contact me today. I'll send you a little bundle of joy packed in some dry ice. Thaw it out, get a turkey baster and next thing you know you'll be on the cover of US Weekly, Star, The Sun and whatever else you want to do! Revel in that baby bump because you'll be landing those interviews and roles in no time.
Laughing boy up there may have done it first, but by gum, I'm going to do it better! Act now, supplies are unlimited! Impregnator is also a fun new word, try to use it in a sentence today!
- Michael
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