Are My Coworkers My Friends?

Working a normal nine to five has its advantages, surprisingly. For instance, I get paid for being there, which is a novel concept through and through being that up until I started said job I was very, very poor. I also have health insurance, so I'm really looking forward to getting sick. Oh! And a 401k... it makes my paycheck smaller, but, when I'm old I won't have to be on food stamps. Hopefully.

There is, of course, a yang to the aforementioned yin: coworkers. I work at a large, faceless corporation owned by another corporation which is currently reviewing an offer to be bought out by an even bigger corporation , so needless to say there are a lot of people around here. On a daily basis I run into the loud, the socially inept, the creepy, the smelly, the fashion conscious (and unconscious) and everything else you can think of. I mean come on, there are around five thousand people at this facility alone, so naturally it's a good cross section of Americana.

My office is next to a lab, which is part of my department, a portion of my division, that reports to the executive department which in turn is at the whim of the parent company that is still at the beck and call of the conglomerate (whew) has a few other office in very close proximity. These are the people that I see and interact with on a daily basis. The question is though, do I really want to interact with these people beyond anything having to do with work?

My significant other is rather new to the working world and I've noticed they make a rather strong effort to really get friendly with their coworkers. Friendly to the point that I was dragged, against my will, out of a bar to meet them and sit around with them for a few hours. So what did they talk about the entire time? Work. I had nothing to add to their conversations nor did I care to listen to what exactly they were talking about. It was like trying to break into a circle of girls that you don't really know, they speak is pseudo-code referencing things that only they understand, making no effort to explain what they mean. This is grating on the nerves so when the proposition of another evening of the same I politely gave myself botulism and sat out that night.

Coming back around to the point I have yet to make, the previous anecdote begins to answer the question if my coworkers are my friends. Here at work we occasionally talk about non-work related things but on the whole our conversations are mainly based around what we're doing... work. Are my coworkers interesting people? Hell if I know. Did I try to find out more about them? Sure. But the problem remains that all roads lead to work.

"Hey Don, do anything fun this weekend?"
"No, just thought about this report I'm working on"

Needless to say, I stopped asking about what Don does at home. Even though I try to appear as neutral and unattached as possible to these people they sometimes extend of the olive branch of camaraderie and invite me to various events. Maybe going out to a bar, dinner, a movie, a concert. Just whatever flavor of the month these people have.

I tried going to these things a few times but as my prior anecdote showed, all we ever end up talking about is work. Hobbies lead to work. Favorite movies lead to work. As them how you can tell if a melon is fresh, I'm sure they can squeeze work in there somewhere.

I have a confession: I don't like work.

Yes, surprising, I know. So if I don't like work, why would I spend any time outside of work TALKING about work? It's pointless! I spend forty hours a week at that place talking about work, why would I want to do it in my off time? I tried to talk to my boss about giving me comp time if I thought about work at home but unfortunately they didn't go for it. This effort to appear friendly to people and still keep my personal time personal has lead me to create a new relationship category, one that is somewhere above acquaintance but below actual friend:

Conditional Colleague.

They are my work colleagues after all, we have the same profession, we're essentially peers. The conditionality of this collegiate-ship comes in after hours. I'm nice to them, we're all friendly, we're coworkers. Once they ask me to do something outside of work though, a fiendish plan goes immediately into effect.

Let's say I get invited to a bar or concert with them. Of course I'll agree to go, it's only polite. Unless I legitimately have something going on, it's very nice to agree. They'll think I'm nicer for it, my team spirit will get up to the boss and then next thing I know, promotion. In theory. The only catch is that as soon as I agree to do something with them, I start working on the excuse for the day of that will outline why I can't make it.

Sure, there's the traditional "flat tire," "bad clams," or "nuclear holocaust," but people appreciate the effort of an original excuse. My favorite thus far was that my dog tried to eat a bee, got stung, and I had to bring her to the vet for their swollen tongue. It's perfect, you can't really argue with a sick dog. If you're uncreative, car trouble always works. Essentially, the relationship I have with my coworkers is thus:

I will make plans and then cancel at the last minute.

Easy as that. You too can use this method. In no time at all you'll be the friendliest person at the office without actually having to give up any of your free time to people you already see for forty plus hours a week. If you legitimately want to be friends with a person by all means actually do what you say you're going to do, but if you're like me, and just want the appearance of friendliness, this tried and true method is your best bet.

Politeness without conviction, it's the American way!

-Michael